P.S. I Love You

Am just back from watching this movie. I really liked the movie. After a very long time a movie made me cry (thought I was over all that!). One quote that I liked a lot:-

"Alone or not, you've gotta walk ahead. Thing to remember is, if we are all alone, we are all together in that too."

Culmination Of A Full Circle

I was in breathing range of life and death within a short span of 24 hours. Overwhelmed by the power and mystique of both. Of how incomplete one is without the other…..

One evening I was part of a near fatal accident, and miraculously came out of it without a scratch. I lived to watch the birth of my friend’s child the very next evening, at almost the same hour.

Both the experiences were stunning and eye-opening. The exact opposites, yet each as powerful as the other, complementing the other.

Life is rendered so evanescent by destiny. We are helpless at the hands of fate, never know when it’s our time to go. Each moment we get to breathe makes all of life’s hassles worth it.

And the first time a new life opens eyes and takes its first breath, is nothing short of a miracle.

A beginning today is an end tomorrow. Today’s end is a new commencement tomorrow. And so completes a full circle.

An attempt

(Writing poetry has never been my area of forte, though I very much aspire it to be. But I do try my hand at it once in a while. This is one such amateur attempt. )

Sweet Stranger

Life...teasing, playful, full of surprise
At every bend it is difficult to surmise
What the new day will bring and who you will meet today
Someone you've just seen but feel you've known from far away

It throws at you treasures that you travelled the world to get
Simple sweet moments in disguise that you can never forget
In a hundred reasons to cry it will send you one to smile
In the form of a sweet stranger amongst this world of guile

So it is true after all, life never gives up on you
It gives you second chances, perhaps a third too
In all its twists and turns, don't you see a pattern?
There is always daylight after the dark, and you are not to give up!

- Sandhya

Apni marzi se kahaan apne safar ke hum hain
Rukh hawaaon ka jidhar ka hai, udhar ke hum hain.

Pehle har cheez thi apni, magar ab lagta hai
Apne hi ghar mein kisi doosre ghar ke hum hain.

Waqt ke saath hai mittee ka safar sadiyon se
Kisko maloom, kahaan ke hain, kidhar ke hum hain.

Chalte rehte hain, ke chalna hai musaafir ka naseeb
Sochte rehte hain kis raah guzar ke hum hain.

Rukh hawaaon ka jidhar ka hai, udhar ke hum hain.

(Penned by Nida Fazli, Jagjit Singh's voice)

Catch-22

Catch-22 is a term coined by Joseph Heller in his novel 'Catch-22', describing a paradox in a law, regulation or practice in which one is a victim regardless of the choice one makes (Source: Wikipedia).

Someone named me a ‘Catch-22’ recently. “Heck even your birthday falls on the twenty second!” he said. I dunno, mebbe apt…

Dreams

Ever experienced waking up in the midst of a beautiful dream? The sudden pang of being unceremoniously thrown into the reality….The very first reaction is, damn why did it have to end?? And then you try your best to fall back to sleep again, hoping that the mind would continue to dream just where it had left off. But reality mocks at you again, and you realize your mind is concentrating on everything but falling asleep. It leaves you frustrated and agitated. You painfully realize that it will not be possible to return to the dream again. By now your mind is fully awake, and you reflect back on the beautiful dream. Aaahhh, it was so lovely, you dearly wish it was the reality. But you know that can never be. Dreams are only transitory companions that give you the best times while they last, but leave you frustrated and wanting for more when they are gone. And then you think, I was much more content when I went to sleep, and I have woken up seeing the best that could ever be, but hungry for more, and discontent with the reality, which is in fact my only one constant companion.

So do I really want to go back to my dream? Maybe not…..

"I hate goodbyes..........."

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

(Numb - Linkin Park)

Hysteria

What’s all the fuss? There’s commotion everywhere I look, in whatever I hear, in whatever I feel. Everyone is just scurrying around…rats claiming their stake on the bread before it’s their own turn to be prey to the cats. There is no logic, no order, no sense.

I am confused. I try to look at the bigger picture. I try to find my answers in alternate sources. The ultimate creator was surely not in a good mood when he decided to create humans. Certainly not his best creation, are we?

But I find the same emptiness everywhere. The same signature lack of substance. I come back more disoriented than ever. Would the world ever make sense to me? Would I ever be able to communicate with it? I think I’m yelling but noone’s listening. I think I’m crying but noone’s looking. I think I’m bleeding but noone’s caring. I think I’m living but noone’s noticing.

Such shallowness, everyone’s just talking, it’s so crowded in here. Where is my peace? Who will give me my answers?

I need to find logic in this disorder. Need to find a world within myself. The answers lie within me. I am the power I need. I need to close my eyes, shut my ears and numb my senses to the rest of them, and find my peace within.

New Beginnings

End of a yet another year, start of a new one.

The entire humankind celebrated and welcomed 2008 into their lives unanimously on the morning of 1st January at 12 am. I was at Times Square at the time and the countdown to the new year began 20 seconds earlier. The thousands gathered there could not wait to usher in the new year with smiles and cheers.

I was one of them too. I chimed in with the rest of the crowd, counting down from 20 to 0, eagerly awaiting 12 am. I felt like this is the end of all troubles, and I am starting afresh a year of hope, smiles and joy.

Ironically, the minute of 2008’s 12.00 am felt just like 2007’s 11.59 pm. It still consisted of 60 seconds. The weather was just as cold as the last minute, and the wind blew just as strong on the streets of New York, chilling us all to our bones. So what really changed? Who did we fool? What did we really celebrate?

Why do we always look out for new starts, fresh beginnings and resetting the counter. Why are resolutions not made on the 29th August just as they are made on the 31st December? Why are we so eager to get rid of the very year that we had so enthusiastically welcomed just a year back?

This tendency is not just limited to start of a new year. We have similar tendencies towards our jobs, relationships, and almost everything else in our lives. We always want to start afresh, experience something new. Most of the times there really may be nothing new in what we welcome. However just the idea of ‘new’ is enough to retain our curiosity and enthusiasm.

I think it is our way of telling ourselves that there is still hope. That all is not over. There is still something in store. And being the optimists we are, we hope that whatever’s in store for us will be good. And if that does not turn out to be true, next year we will be as enthusiastic to throw away 2008, and direct our hopes towards 2009.

Well as long as the human race is churning in this wheel of hope and disappointment, atleast the one thing we can all be thankful for is that we are alive and will be able to experience the seasons and songs, tears and joy of a whole new year.

Happy New Year to everyone!

Hung Jury

Last evening I watched the Hindi movie 'Ek Ruka Hua Faisla'. The movie has 12 theatre actors playing members of a jury that have assembled in a room to arrive at a verdict to acquit or convict a young boy charged with his father's murder.

A pretty interesting plot, but how did this movie take birth in India? I thought. Indian law does not go by the jury system. A little research pointed that the movie is a replica of the English and original version called '12 Angry Men'. I am very inquisitive to watch the original version and will definitely do that as soon as I can.

Nevertheless, the Hindi version impressed me, and sent me on a thought trail. The plot is really manifold. There are a lot of important human traits hidden in this little story. Some of them caught my attention and amazed me at the fact that using such a simple setting the story-teller has been successful in actually portraying so many aspects.

The story starts with 12 jury members casting their vote to acquit or convict the charge. 11 of them vote to convict, whereas only one member votes for acquittal. The 11 unanimous jurors are absolutely certain that the boy being tried of murder is guilty. The 1 member that votes against it is not sure if the boy is guilty, and that's why he wants brainstorming to go through all pieces of the puzzle again, in order to determine for sure what his verdict should be.

He believes that dialogue about the facts will help reveal the truth. However, the dialogue mostly tends towards being personal on the jurors themselves, because of the lack of patience and the want to participate on the part of all but that one juror, and also because of the diversified attitudes and personalities of each of the jurors.

But with his patience and knack for the finer details, piece by piece he disproves all the claims of the remaining jurors on why they think the charge is guilty. He forces them to think again, and think from a different perspective, that they had completely missed out the first time. Here what struck me is the portrayal of how difficult and challenging it is to make a person change his mind! Most of us are so rigid about what we think that we refuse to consider another view only because we want to stand by what we think. We want to prove that we are right and are too stubborn to let go.

It was also shown that most of the 11 jurors gave a 'guilty' verdict based only on what looked from the outside as obvious, without taking the trouble of understanding the claims of the prosecution in depth. This reflects on our lazy attitude to take things as they come to us, and generally do what the rest of the majority is doing, because that is the more convenient path to take.

One by one, the 1 juror is successful in changing the minds of the rest. He makes them realize that their opinion is based not on facts, but rather on their own past experiences, biases and conveniences. Aren't all of our decisions taken in the same way? We forget what the facts say and do things out of habit, apprehensions/learning from past experiences, and most likely our prejudices based on our beliefs.

Lastly, what impressed me is the belief, confidence and patience of the 1 juror, who at the end is successful in instigating the rest of them to reconsider their decisions, look at the facts from another perspective, and finally reverse their votes, and end with a unanimous verdict of 'not guilty'. He believed in himself and did not 'follow the herd' and believe in what looked like the obvious from the outside without justly investigating the matter. Any amount of ridicule, blame and anger from the rest of the jurors did not deter him to waver from his belief. The patience with which he conducted himself spoke of complete professionalism and non-egocentricity. I wish we could also conduct ourselves so emotionlessly and practically, especially at our work places!

All in all, it was a movie that had a lot to tell through the 12 personalities and their interaction.

(A 'Hung Jury' is a jury that cannot agree upon a verdict after an extended period of deliberation and is deadlocked with irreconcilable differences of opinion.)

Dil-e-naadan tujhe hua kya hai?
Aakhir is dard ki dawaa kya hai?
Humko unse wafaa ki hai ummeed,
Jo nahin jaante wafaa kya hai.

- Ghalib

Think Of Me

Think of me
think of me fondly,
when we've said goodbye.
Remember me
once in a while -
please promise me
you'll try.

When you find that,
once again,
you long to take your heart back
and be free -
if you ever find
a moment,
spare a thought
for me

We never said
our love
was evergreen,
or as unchanging
as the sea -
but if you can still remember
stop and think
of me . . .

Think of all the things
we've shared and seen -
don't think about the things
which might have been . . .

Think of me,
think of me waking,
silent and
resigned.

Imagine me,
trying too hard
to put you
from my mind.

Recall those days
look back
on all those times,
think of the things
we'll never do -
there will
never be
a day,
when
I won't think of you . .

We never said
our love
was evergreen,
or as unchanging
as the sea -
but please
promise me,
that sometimes
you will think of me!

(These are words from the famous musical opera 'The Phantom Of the Opera'. Simply fascinating - I had the opportunity of watching it in Las Vegas at 'The Venetian', and it left me spellbound. The romance, the music, the costumes, the dances, the beautiful background sets, the wonderful lyrics, and last but not the least, the 'Phantom' himself. It was all so glamorous and fantastic, yet I felt it was so close to reality. Here is an excerpt of the plot, taken from the official website:

His voice calls to her, nurturing her extraordinary talents from the shadows of the opera house where innocent chorus girl Christine Daae makes her home. Only ballet mistress Madame Giry knows that Christine's mysterious "Angel of Music" is actually the Phantom, a disfigured musical genius who haunts the catacombs of the theatre, terrifying the ensemble of artists who live and work there.

When temperamental diva La Carlotta walks out in the middle of a dress rehearsal for the company's latest production, the theatre's eager new managers have no choice but to thrust Christine into the spotlight.

Her mesmerizing opening night performance captivates both the audience and the Phantom, who devotes himself to casting his protégé as the opera's next star. But he is not the only powerful man to be awed by the young soprano, as Christine soon finds herself courted by the theatre's wealthy patron, the Vicompte Raoul de Chagny.

Though she is enthralled by her charismatic mentor, Christine is undeniably drawn to the dashing Raoul, enraging the Phantom and setting the stage for a dramatic crescendo in which soaring passions, fierce jealousies and obsessive love threaten to drive the fated lovers past the point of no return.

)

Some people have the power to brighten up someone’s day. To make someone the happiest one could ever be. To tease all possible emotions, yet fulfill the deepest desires. To set on fire, electrify. To bring a zombie back to life. To invoke a smile that was long forgotten. To bring a song to the lips. To be one with your soul and stay there forever.

They are seldom aware of their power. I know of one such ignorant soul. Do you?

A Night to Remember

Dreams do come true….Fantasies do take form. The world conspires to give you what you want. The heart does feel content. You are at the top of the world.

Sometimes you do get whatever you wish for. Sometimes you make a night you will remember for life.

Alas, dreams do not last forever, and everything good has to end. It ends too soon.

The night of lights, cool breeze, music, a sweet scent, smiles, contentment, sheer nirvana: I will never forget you.

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Last Saturday….

Last Saturday I was feeling gloomy. Not a good state to be in on a Saturday evening, I thought. So I called my friends and asked them if they were interested in getting out of the house. We decided to go for a movie.

I put on my favorite dress (which I usually do when I am gloomy, it gives me one reason to smile). Somehow I sensed a movie alone would not do the trick. I needed something more that night to lift my spirits.

The movie was lukewarm. It told a very simple story in a convoluted manner to make it look glamorous. I was unimpressed.

The universal feeling in the air stated that home should definitely not be our next destination. So off we went to Rookies (a sports bar). We thought a little drink and a game of pool would do us good.

There is nothing I enjoy more, than a good surprise.

As we approached the bar, we saw people in weird attires, shouting and laughing outside the bar. We soon realized to our astonishment, that there was a Halloween party going on inside! And since we were not in costume, we would be given the last preference to enter the already packed club. We joined the ordinary folks (read non-costumed junta) in the line for entry.

A patient ten minutes later we were part of the action. We entered this whole new world that was so completely cut out from the outside reality. I felt like I had entered a fairy tale. There were people so completely freaky-looking in their costumes, and the best part was that they were so completely enjoying themselves in it! I saw a hulk, a Dalmatian dog, Mr. Jigsaw (from Saw), a gladiator, a nurse, a Dracula, and a multitude variety of ghosts and fairies. At one instance I was waiting at the bar for my drink, and when I looked left there was a man with an ugly-hair wig, with a face painted pitch black, smiling spookily at me! For a moment I was taken aback at the sight. But then I, an ordinary soul that night, smiled back at the ghost who was the real hero of the moment.

There was so much positivity in the air…

There was a live band playing that people were dancing to and singing along with. Each one: age, build, sex no bar, had taken pains in getting into a costume, however weird it may make them look. They were so comfortable in it. Each one, inspite of being one in a group, was at the same time in his own world, did his own thing without caring what the other would think. It was very clear that each person in that room was trying his best to be happy and enjoy life to the fullest, atleast this one night, atleast here whoever they were with. It was as if life wouldn’t give them a second chance.

I decided to follow suit, and realized there was no time to waste being gloomy. I became part of the electric atmosphere. I grooved to the music, sang along the band, and became one of the many. I didn’t care that no one else danced with me (my friends were courteous enough to accompany me till the dance floor, but they just sat enjoying the view and drinks, and didn’t want to dance). I didn’t want to disturb their independence of enjoying themselves in their own way. I danced till my heart’s content.

Last Saturday I did find that ‘something more’ to lift my spirits. Salvation is indeed achieved through life’s simplest of pleasures.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

We've heard this a million times from a million different people. No other fact can be more established and 'in-your-face' than the truth that men and women are as different as science and magic. And although this is the title of what I intend to say, it is certainly not going to be the content of it.

The content rather is intended to resist this idea.

My claim is that we are not so different as is made out to be. And I especially emphasize this about one trait in which men and women are considered to act in completely opposite ways:

"Women act from the heart, men are practical and do not consult the heart once the brain has decided. "

I must have heard this from almost all men I have ever conversed with about this. They all gave me the same equation: men act with their brains ONLY. Using the heart is not manlike.

My experiences say something different though. I beg to completely differ.

Think about this again, which of these is true: Women do not use their brains when they make their decisions, or men do not use their heart when they make their decisions? I strongly believe neither is true at all.

Firstly, what does one mean by saying 'acting from the heart'? My best guess is it means acting out of emotions, acting out of essential human qualities, acting out of what we have been made of. And what does 'acting with the mind' signify? Being a woman, and as per myth never having exercised this trait restricted to a man's domain, I would again need to guess. To me it would mean keeping yours and other's best interests under consideration, and doing the best you can for yourself.

The best decision is one taken with the right mix of emotions and practicality governing you. A decision taken with either the heart or mind unemployed is only a half and shallow one.

So why then do men pride themselves over not using their heart and only using the brains? At the risk of sounding sexist, I am going to be frank with my very strong opinion on this. Men border close to insensitivity under the glamorous farce of practicality. It is a consolation they provide to their own conscience for acting in a way convenient to only them. I have witnessed men employing their Everest-sized egos, their raging hormones and their child-like stubbornness whenever they feel like it. So what are the emotions they are talking about never having used? Most times it is a lack of interest, and sometimes they are just lazy to want to use their 'heart', because it is most convenient not to use it. Why bother understanding something that doesn't affect their interests? It is just more convenient to say: "We are practical, we do not use emotions, so we do not even understand species that use emotions, read women." Easy escape.

I only have to say this: Wake up boys, do you really think we dig your 'practicality' drama?

(None of my male friends will be surprised to read this from me, they all know I am very strongly opinionated on this one. For the rest of the world, welcome to my world!)

Just When It Matters Most

The plan was flawless.

A perfect 'Saturday Night Out With Friends' was on the cards. I was especially looking forward to it for two reasons: I love to dance, and I was just done with a techie certi exam that I had cleared Saturday morning with flying colors, and wanted to reward myself with some dance n drink. Two compelling reasons to want to let go, have some fun and hit the dance club.

It was all well planned in my mind. I had a perfect dress for the night, the directions to the best club in town, and made sure I looked perfect after a good workout and a warm shower. I felt like heaven.

At this stage I have got to introduce to the readers my gang, who have a very important part to play in this comedy of errors. I had for company my very interesting friends, who for sake of confidentiality (at their extreme insistence), I will call Mr.Masala, Mr. Hoodie and Mr. IDP. The reason for choosing these names will be evident as you read on.....

The evening started with a plan to catch a movie at the cinemas, followed by dinner out, followed by the much awaited 'hit the dance floors' program of action. We arrived late at the cinemas to start with, so had to settle for a supposedly mediocre movie. The movie turned out to be far from mediocre, on the negative graph. It completely failed to impress. To add to the fact, I was feeling extremely hungry, and my mind wouldn't think of anything other than food, and I didn't let my friends do that either. We left half-way through the movie. At the time it was Mr. Hoodie, Mr. IDP and me trying to deal with the hunger pangs, so we decided to have Mr. Masala give us company. We called him and he suggested we meet at an Indian restaurant in downtown Hartford for dinner. He gave us some vague directions that I had some serious doubts on.

I was hungry, period. My mind wouldn't work. Hartford was a long drive away, and we were lost. If you think nothing can be worse, read on.....

After a 30 minute hunting quest for a restaurant called 'Masala', I was finally sitting behind some 'Tarkori Samosas' and relishing them. The waiter asked me if I wanted a drink, but I told him that I was 'saving that for later' in a very excited tone that was probably inexplicable to him. There were fine Californian wines lying around me, ones that would have gone wonderfully with Indian food, but I resisted my temptations for the sake of tequilas that I thought would follow later that night.

Post food, it was finally time to head for the club. Again, we didn't have directions and Mr. Masala gave us some vague instructions on how to get there. Lost and confused in the crowded and cryptic Hartford streets, I happened to skip a blinking red, and narrowly escaped being hit. As luck would have it, there was a cop right at our heels. His siren went active and we had to pull over. He left me with a warning, and I sighed with relief that I had not had any drinks at the restaurant. It also turned out that we were driving in the completely opposite direction from where we should have been, and the cop was kind enough to guide us to the right path. After leaving us, he was still watching us from his car, and that for some strange freaky reason made me very nervous. I took two consecutive wrong turns and he kept flashing his light at us, indicating 'there you go wrong again!'. My friends were starting to get frustrated with me (can't blame them!), and I vented it all out at them, blaming them for being so insensitive and making me nervous (that's the easiest way out for women, always works!)

Finally we reached the street where the club stood. Only parking was the issue now, we anticipated. We got into a paid park area, and I guess I was still not over the cop incident. While backing up my car into a parking area, I dashed it against the wall (OK, the last time I tried to back park was umm,....ummm....umm...let's leave it at that for now...). It was a rented Subaru and I was insured. But nevertheless the incident left me feeling low. My friends did their best to bring up my spirits, but at such times if there is one thing that can cheer me up, it's music. And music I had! As we approached out of the parking lot, we could hear the thump of music beats from multiple clubs that adorned the Hartford night life. I began to feel good and alive again. I couldn't wait to get on the dance floor and groove to the beats.

(So close, yet so far.....)

We reached the bouncer at the club entrance. He didn't let us in because one of my friends was wearing a hooded tee. Mr. Hoodie was civil enough to offer to stay out while the rest of us get in, but that was not even an option on my list.

Dejected though I was, I decided that the night was still young, and a dance club was not after all a place in Egypt or Hawaii, and not getting there was not such a great deal. I dearly missed being on the dance floor, but what the heck....I was still with my friends....and there were a million other things to do.

We did not get an entry into any of the other clubs/sports bars because one of my friends carried an International Driving Permit (IDP) as the only form of identification, which for some reason was unacceptable at clubs.

By the time we reached Middletown (our home town) my desperation for dance and drink had died down. It was 1 am in the morning. We went over to Mr. Hoodie's place, we played cards, listened to music, talked, laughed and chilled out. We spent the next 3 hours doing almost nothing else but being together, and laughing together about the night's fiascoes. After all, we each had a very major role to play in it! At 4 am, we retired to our respective homes.

I had recently watched a movie called 'Mystery Date', where the first and much anticipated date is ruined by a series of uncalled-for mishaps, and all the while the couple is trying to get out of messy situations. At the end they are frustrated, but then someone tells them that out of their entire lives, this is one night they will always remember.

I wonder...If the movie had turned out to be good, if we had easily found our way to the restaurant, if I had not skipped the blinking red and been stopped by a cop, if I had not taken those wrong turns one after the other while the cop was still watching, if I had not brushed my car against the wall while back-parking, if Hoodie wore a different teeshirt, if IDP carried his passport instead, if we had gotten into the club or bar......would the night have been as memorable? Mebbe not. It wouldn't have earned a mention on my blog for sure!

Penning down verses

Was in the mood to scribble down some verses today...sometimes your mind urges to write some stuff that makes no sense while its still in there....but when put into words it sometimes creates something meaningful. Here's what my mind was rambling about today:

I was hoping it would never come
The moment of goodbye
Was this real?, I wondered
It was time to descend after kissing the highs

Why do good times ever end?
The past is all I will ever have
The future doesn't matter anymore
And the present is too difficult to bear

We suddenly became strangers
'Take Care', were your last words to me
Two words was all it took
You thought they will set you free

I waited for you to stop me
Looking back every hopeful second
You had tears in your eyes, a smile on your face
You knew in your heart it was the end

You have to let go of what is dearest
if you want to be free; like a phoenix be reborn
But all things come at a cost my darling,
You shall weep in my memory long after I'm gone.

**************************************************

Amongst the crowd, you were special
In the blinding darkness, you were my light
In the deafening silence, you were my song
In the arid desert, you were my water
In the tears, you brought me a smile
In the lows, you were my high
In the deadly battles, you were my strength
In all the reasons to give up, you were one reason to keep going.

Will you ever understand what you meant to me?
You go on as usual, you don't hear me, see me, feel me.
I wish you knew, then you would never have let go....

In all the reasons to let go, this could have been one reason to hold on.