Gham is kadar badhe ke mein ghabraake pee gayaa
Is dil ki bebasi pe taras khaake pee gayaa

Thukra rahaa tha mujhko badi der se jahaan
Mein aaj sab jahaan ko thukraake pee gayaa..

Meherbaan hoke bula lo mujhe chaaho jis waqt
mein gayaa waqt nahin hoon ke phir aa bhi na sakoon

Zauf mein taanaa-e-aghyaar ka shikwaa kya hai?
baat kuchh sar to nahin ke uthaa bhi na sakoon

Zeher milta hi nahin mujhko sitamgar varna
kya kasam hai tere milne ki ke kha bhi na sakoon.

(zauf - weakness, tanaa - taunt, aghyaar - enemy,
shikwaa - complaint, sitamgar - oppressor)

- Ghalib

Love this song

Here's Tere Bin (Rabbi) with translations, what awesome words... how fortunate is the person who has experienced love like this...

tere bin / besides you
sanu sohnia / my love
koi hor nahio labhna / i shan't find another
jo dave / who'll give
ruh nu sakun / peace to my soul
chukke jo nakhra mera / and indulge me
ve main sare ghumm ke vekhia / i have gone and seen it all
amrika , roos, malaysia / america, russia, malaysia
kittey vi koi fark si / there wasn't any difference
har kise di koi shart si / they all had some condition
koi mangda mera si sama / some asked for my time
koi hunda surat te fida / some were fascinated with my face
koi mangda meri si vafa / some demanded my fidelity
na koi mangda merian bala / none wanted my demons
tere bin / besides you
hor na kise / no one else
mangni merian bala / wanted my demons
tere bin / besides you
hor na kise / no one else
karni dhup vich chhan / shall shade me in the sun
jiven rukia / (the) way you paused
si tun zara / slightly
nahion bhulna / i shan't forget
main sari umar / all my life
jiven akhia si akhan chura / you said, looking away
"rovenga sanu yad kar" / "you shall weep in my memory"
hasia si main hasa ajeeb / i laughed a strange laugh
(par) tu nahi si hasia / but you didn't
dil vich tera jo raaz si / you had a secret in your heart
mainu tu kyon ni dasia / why didn't you tell me
tere bin / besides you
sanu eh raz / none shall tell this
kise hor nahion dasna / secret to me
tere bin / besides you
peerh da ilaaj / what druid
kis vaid kolon labhna / has the cure to my ills
milia si ajj mainu / i found today
tera ik patra / a note of yours
likhia si jis 'te / on which you had scribbeled
tun shayr varey shah da / a varis shah couplet
park ke si osnu / upon reading which
hanjnu ik duliya / a teardrop fell
akhan 'ch band si / what was locked in the eye
seh raaz ajj khulia / was revealed today
ki tere bin / that other than you
eh mere hanjnu / these tears of mine
kise hor / won't be kissed by
nahio chumna / none else
ki tere bin / that other than you
eh mere hanjhu / these tears of mine
mitti vich rulnha / will wither in the dust

Back to doing what I love!

Some things you always enjoy doing. They never die in you.

Today I resumed playing my favorite sport: Squash. After a long gap of 1.5 years, it was a pleasure indescribable to pick up my racket again, and bash the ball with it.

We have two squash courts in our work campus. It was on my mind since many days to resume playing, and today I finally made the much required start. I couldn't even concentrate on the warm-up, because the lure of taking the racket in my hand and starting to play was so enticing. Old memories filled my mind...I started to think, so much has changed in such a short time. The last time I left this court, I was such a different person, circumstances were so different. Then I came back to the present, and started my game.

Unfortunately, the long absence from the sport has made me lose touch, and the first 10 minutes I played as if I had never held a racket in my hand before. But then I started getting into the grove again. The sound and feel of the ball hitting the center of my racket was so satisfying. I wanted to release all the negativity through the power I was using to hit the ball.

At the end of 25 minutes, I was panting for breath. I decided to not overstretch myself on the first day. My skin was read with the heat, and my limbs ached pleasantly. It was the same sweet satisfaction that I used to feel earlier after completing a day's playing. Then I realized, a lot of things may have changed in 1.5 years, but then there are always a few that never do.

Thank God for that :)

I like this quote

If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.

- Ray Bradbury

Have to do this...

i will never know myself until i do this on my own
cuz i will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
i will never be anything til i break away from me
i will break away. ill find myself today

मेरा घम...

Ye inaayatein ghazab kiin, ye balaa ki meherbaani
Meri khairiyat bhi poochein kisi aur ki zubaani

Mera gham rula chuka hai tujhe, bikhri zulf vaale
Ye ghataa bataa rahi hai, ke baras chuka hai paani

Meri bezabaan aankhon se gire hain chand katre
Vo samajh sake to aansoon, na samajh sake to paani

Beeti na beetai raina...

Yug aate hain, aur yug jaayen,
Chhoti chhoti yaadon ke pal nahin jaayen...

- Gulzar

Just a few seconds more...

The night was dark.
All she could hear was a deathly silence humming in her ears. All she could see was a black darkness stretched out till her eyes could reach. All she could feel was the cold wind chilling her till her bones. She smelt rotten carcass near her. She could tell someone was lying dead very close to her.
Her mind could not think clearly. She did not know what to do..Should she run? But where? Where would she go? All that lied ahead was an unnerving emptiness, a definite and mocking darkness. Should she shout for help? But who would listen to her cries for relief? There was no one around. But she had to try. Surely there must be someone, she hoped...Then she was struck by an agonizing realization...her voiced was betraying her. She could not shout, try as she may. It was as if someone was holding her by her throat, not letting her voice leave her. She felt like she was being strangled....she began to gasp for breath..she felt a brutal pain travel through every inch of her. "Was death better than this?", she began to think...Suddenly she smiled to herself through the pain. She waited for her time, she knew it was not very long now...she was about to be saved...just a few seconds more and...she would be dead...free.

I woke up with a sudden start, my face sweating with the tension of what I had just seen and felt. For some time I pondered over the bad dream. What could have sparked such a dream? Surely there must be some connection between what your mind sees while it's resting, with when it's not, I tried to reason.

And then it dawned upon me. This was not a dream. It was real, it was happening to me, even as I was trying to figure it all out. My mind sees this emptiness everyday while it's awake...It was me that I saw in the dream, trying to call for help, my voice not cooperating with my mind...It was the already dead part of my soul that had decayed and made up the carcass. I was gasping for breath all the time while I was awake...the pain seeping through my nerves...

Suddenly I smiled to myself...it was not very long now...I was about to be saved...about to be free.

Clueless...

What is the truth and what is a farce?
Who is real and who is in disguise?
Who can I trust and who can I not?
Who is mine and who is a stranger?
What is right and what is wrong?
Am I scared or am I bold?
Am I strong-willed or am I weak?
Am I rational or am I stupid?
Who am I? What am I? Why am I?
Who are you? What are you? Why are you?

Twenty-seven years of a clueless existence....still searching for my answers....not sure if another twenty-seven will be available and enough to find them.

Just said hello to me...

Lately it's mostly been me who has needed some pacifying. Tears have been uncontrollable, and there are so many people trying to make me feel good, in their own little and unique way.

But the other day I stepped into the opposite shoes. It was me saying to someone else "Hey, it's all gonna be fine with time." Not that I have not done this kind of 'medicining' before, but this time it felt very different, even weird if you may say so. It felt different because I knew exactly how the other person felt, I could totally identify with his plight. And so I knew that saying anything, even harmless words like "It's going to be fine" were futile, and probably inappropriate too. I didn't want to preach because I hate it being done to me. It's the easiest thing to do when your outside the fence of disaster, just an onlooker of the show. Nothing was the right thing to be said, I understood, and what really mattered to the person in tears and agony, was the fact that he had someone next to him. That he was not alone.

In fact, I felt like a cheat when I said the words "It's going to be fine", because I knew I did not believe in those words myself. And I knew the receiver of those words knew it as well as me that nothing is fine, and nothing is going to be fine very soon. If only it was that easy! The only way to get out of the trauma was to go through the fire and burn with it, come out charred and be reborn.

Everyone has their share of terrible times, noone can escape that part of destiny. And I am sure everyone agrees that they get stronger post the experience, ready to challenge the rest of their lives by staring at it straight in the eye. The positive thing about such times is that you really see the truth for what it is, all the false visions are broken into pieces. You rediscover yourself as you are a different person with every phase of the problem, evolving all the time. You see your true well-wishers from the rest of them, and the discovery is at most times startling and moving. Relationships borne in these times are rock solid, they are there to stay.

Most importantly, you discover the survival instinct in you. You say hello to your naked, true and best form. When you feel there is no more hope, that nothing makes sense anymore, and living to see another day is unbearable, there comes a sound from within you that whispers into your soul "You will survive". As long as I hear that voice from within me, I know I am not over. I will survive.

अभी अभी ख़याल आया...

वो ग़ज़ल ही क्या, जिसमें दर्द ना हो....
वो दिल ही क्या, जिसमें हम ना हों...

- मनीषा

पिला दे...

पिला दे ओक से साकी, जो हमसे नफरत है....
प्याला ग़र नहीं देता ना सही....शराब तो दे!

दिखा के जुम्बिशें लब की तमाम कर हमको...
बोसा ना दे जो लब से...जवाब तो दे!

-- ग़ालिब

तुम नहीं

तुम नहीं घम नहीं शराब नहीं
ऐसी तनहाई का जवाब नहीं

Mirage

What is it that we are really looking for? What is it that our eyes constantly keep searching? That our heart deeply desires?

There is no doubt on the fact that each one of us is struggling to get something, or somewhere. Most of us do not even know what that is, or where we want to go. Some of us THINK that we know. But do we really?

We may have a lot, but we still want more, we want BETTER. Opportunities may come our way and go, love may strike like never before, our career may go places, but we are still not satisfied. We still want better. We let what we have now pass, because we are waiting for something better to come our way. We don't even know what better is, it may or may never come, but we will wait.

Aren't we all just running towards a goal that is nothing more than a mirage? Isn't it time to stop for a moment, and re-analyze what we are letting go of, in quest of something potentially wonderful, but also potentially imaginary? Better may or may not happen. Now is beautiful, because it is real.

Hairy situation

Ever noticed how most of the 'gulli' salons and parlours invariably have the picture of a film star adorning their door? I have been observing this ever since I was a kid. In those times, there was a single face that would be smiling back at you from the welcome sign : Amitabh Bacchan's. This makes me wonder (I will assume that most men go to a salon for nothing more than a haircut), was his hair style really that attractive, that salons would use him as their advertising model....Or was his fame the driving factor? I presume that when a man would enter some such salon for a haircut, he would expect that he comes out with hair like Mr. Bacchan's; that too at a price of rupees 10. Not a bad deal, is it?

Nowadays there are a much wider variety of faces adorning salons. People have evolved to demand more options. In fact, nobody wants a haircut like his neighbor's. Also the expectations are not just limited to having a 'filmi' haircut. People want model-like looks. Gone are the days when Rajesh Khanna and Amitabh were style icons. Today it's Ashmit Patel and Milind Soman's hair that rocks.

It's not a different story when it comes to women. Most of the 'women's only' salons have Aishwarya's face welcoming you in. Must say that Aishwarya pretty much is the sole contender in the womens' department. I have not seen many other faces here. Women enter a salon for better hair and better skin. When they enter, they hope for a miracle that will turn them into this beautiful princess by the time they walk out. Hence Aishwarya's face on most salons. After all, the concept of a beauty queen in itself is a fantasy world fairy tale, on which the sponsors encash and make millions. But we women are like that, we love fantasies and love to live in them.

A final observation, and one that always amuses me. There are some low-budget salons, those that cannot arrange to get a 'filmi' photo of a star printed on their welcome sign. Now you don't think they are going to settle for just a plain welcome baord saying 'Famus heircuts', with no star picture to accompany the bad spellings, do you? Certainly not!! They would lose critical business! So what do they do? They get the picture painted. And here is where the fun starts. Check out some of the paintings if you ever happen to see one...most of them turn out to be hilarious! Sometimes, because they can't paint the eyes right, they show the film star donning black shades :) I had once seen a a few paintings, that if the stars see themselves, they would cringe in their seat. They would then wish they were never famous :)

Songs

Songs... There's always one for every situation, every mood, every phase of life. And sometimes you relate to a particular song so well, it's as if the song was written and sung keeping you in mind.

Here's one that gives me that feeling:

Lemon Tree - Fool's Garden

I'm sitting here in the boring room
It's just another rainy Sunday afternoon
I'm wasting my time
I got nothing to do
I'm hanging around
I'm waiting for you
But nothing ever happens and I wonder

I'm driving around in my car
I'm driving too fast
I'm driving too far
I'd like to change my point of view
I feel so lonely
I'm waiting for you
But nothing ever happens and I wonder

I wonder how I wonder why
Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon-tree
I'm turning my head up and down
I'm turning turning turning turning turning around
And all that I can see is just another lemon-tree

I'm sitting here I miss the power
I'd like to go out taking a shower
But there's a heavy cloud inside my head
I feel so tired
Put myself into bed
Well, nothing ever happens and I wonder

Isolation is not good for me
Isolation I don't want to sit on the lemon-tree

I'm steppin' around in the desert of joy
Baby anyhow I'll get another toy
And everything will happen and you wonder

I wonder how I wonder why
Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see is just another lemon-tree
I'm turning my head up and down
I'm turning turning turning turning turning around
And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon-tree
And I wonder, wonder

I wonder how I wonder why
Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see, and all that I can see, and all that I can see
Is just a yellow lemon-tree

****

Irony of Situations

We all know that life is ironic. But some incidents make you believe this to the core. One such incident happened recently to me.

When I returned from the US, my Indian bank account debit card had expired, and since I was not in the country, I had not received a new one. I quickly put in a request for one. At the time, I was in Mumbai. As luck would have it, the card arrived when noone was home, and so it went back.

After a few days I called again. This time they assured me that the card would reach me in a few days. It didn't (for some weird reason).

I called again (If you have been involved in phone banking, you would know how frustrating this can be). By this time I was in Pune, so I gave them my Pune address. Now, giving them a new address means going through all their convoluted processes. For example, you cannot request for a card to be sent to a certain address, until
you have that address as your regular communication address in the system. You cannot change it in the system over phone on the same call, if you've logged into the call using your card number. Once you finally have the address changed in the system, it takes 24 hours for the change to be effective. Only once the change is effective, can you call again and request that the card be sent to a new address.

See, all this is fine, and I understand that things have to go through a process, especially when you are dealing with another person's money. But for me, time was running out. I had only a few hundred rupees left on me, and the month end was approaching. I had to pay the electiricity bill, phone bill, pay the maid, and basically I
was missing the independance of having money in my hands. I had to withdraw money asap.

Then one bhalaa maanus gave me an idea. Why don't I use his card (he never used that account much). He trusted me enough to share his pin with me, so I had a card I could use. All that was fine, but he hardly had any money in his account. Well, atleast not as much as I would want to use!

Meanwhile my extensive calls with the bank were getting even hotter. I was beginning to lose my temper. I had 300 bucks in my purse. I needed a damn card to access my money! On one final call I heard that the address to which I had requested the card be sent, was in an 'undeliverable area' (whatever that means), so the card had gone back to them (yes, yet again). This time they were taking no chances, and had sent it via a postal service. It would take another 11 days to reach me. I thought to myself, "Post, Post!!!!! After all this fuss, they finally send it via a regular, meagre post?!" Then I panicked "Did they say 11 days??!! 11 days on 300 bucks? "

On a frustrated night I was called by bhalaa maanus. He gave me a brilliant idea. Why dont I issue a check to transfer some money from my inaccessible account, into his account? Then I could use his card to withdraw moolah. I thought it to be a great idea and wondered why I didn't think of it myself.

The next problem was to look for my check book. I had no idea where it was. The next morning, I was check book hunting, and I'm pleased to say the hunt was successful.

Bhalaa maanus, who was also intelligent maanus, gave me a new idea again. Why don't I go to a bank, address a check to myself, and withdraw money? I thought about this..."Hmmm, this sounds like the perfectly logical, easiest and in your face solution. Now why on earth didn't I think of it? And why on earth did it take so much time
for bhalaa maanus to think of it?" I kept wondering, but couldn't reach an answer I liked.

Without wasting any time, I wrote two checks, one to myself, the other to BM (bhalaa maanus). The lure of money was too strong for me to be able to think of any other task that day.

Off I go to the bank, deposit one check, withdraw money with the other. I feel like on top of the world, suddenly there is light. I have money in my hands, the soft feel of green....Now there's no need to worry, now I can shop, now I can.....

I'm still dreaming when I return to my desk. I notice the phone is ringing. I decide to answer it. The man at the other ends says to me "Madam aapka post aaya hai, please abhi aakar gate se collect kar leejiye" :)

Some Collection!

When I was in the US, I could not make too much time to read. Not that I did not read at all, books are as basic a necessity to me as food. But certainly not as much as I would have wanted to. But I always knew that once I return to India, I would be able to make much more time for my quest for books.

As always, I went overboard with trying to get a good collection to be read. I have shopped for only one thing from the time I have returned: books.

This is the collection that currently adorns my bedside table:

Planet India - Mira Kamdar

Rich Dad Poor Dad - Robert Kiyosaki

Malgudi Schooldays - Rasipuram Krishnaswami Narayan

Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen (I must have read this a million times, but I keep going back to it)

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle (Same for this one!)

Freedom At Midnight - Dominique Lappierre and Larry Collins

Economics from an Outsider's view - P. Chidambaram

The Art of Happy Living - Budhiraj

Tough Times don't last, but Tough People do - Robert Schuller

Neat collection, isn't it? Jealous? ;)

Oldies Goldies

Some invaluable shayaries from very old songs. Heard them on Vividhbharati radio station and had to pen them down:
-----
Vo gham bhi haseen hai
Jis gham ke jimmedaar ho tum.
Dil ki dhadkan ki tamanna ho
Mera pyaar ho tum.
-----
Ye duniya hai
Is duniya ka zamaana kisko bhaata hai
Hazaaron pyaar karte hain
Nibhaana kuchh ko aata hai.

Ye duniya hai
Is duniya ka zamaana kisko bhaata hai
Nibhaane vaale laakhon hain
Manaana kisko aata hai.
-----
Zindagi dene vaale sun
Teri duniya se ji bhar gayaa
Mein yahaan jeeteji mar gayaa.

Raat katti nahin, din guzarta nahin
Zakhm aisa diya hai ki bharta nahin
Aankh veeran hai, dil pareshaan hai
Gham ka jadoo koi kar gayaa.
Zindagi dene vaale sun....
-----
Awesome aren't they?